Do you do this? I ask because I really want to know.
Do you find yourself walking along and two blokes in front are walking super slow, oblivious to the fact they’re blocking the path, and you have to shift your pace and it all feels really inconvenient and you get – uggh – irritated…
…and then it pipes up…
…the vile, judgey voice in your head. “You wouldn’t be so fat if you walked a bit faster, mate!” or “I bet you’re like this at work – taking over things like you own them”.
When I’m driving it really gets loud and stereotyping. And when I’m in the city trying to get to a meeting and I’m surrounded by office workers on their lunch breaks (“Lemmings!”). But the poor unsuspecting soul doesn’t even have to be inconveniencing me to cop a lashing from my vile inner voice. They might just be engaged in conversation nearby. Or it might just be a dog doing its thing. And my head makes snap judgments about the kind of person (or dog) they are and where they might be going wrong in life and why they need to read a newspaper every now and then and GOSH could people stop talking in mindless cliches.
These are really ugly things to admit. And apologies if I offend. But I’ve mentioned my vile, judgey voice to others over the past few days and they’ve TOTALLY got it. They have one too. Which is why I felt brave enough raising it here.
And, besides, I think these kind of blogs can get a bit Pollyanna-ish at times….just as an important aside.
I’ve been grappling with the voice for a while now. It horrifies me. But it’s suddenly got louder and uglier.
That’s what happens when you need to shift something – it becomes more apparent and more intolerable. Louder. Uglier. So that you can see it. And be pushed to change.
I’ve realised in the past few days that we voice these things when we’re feeling separate. When we’re feeling removed from our fellow humans it makes everyone else seem like they’re working in opposition to us. “YOU over there are doing THAT to ME over here”.