Over the past week debate has been raging about a few studies and op-eds that – sigh – tell us that women who are smart and successful don’t score blokes. What do we all think of this?
“Those who were married valued meaningful work less than single men and women did…Those who valued meaningful work when they were in high school were more likely to be single 9 years later.”
Then the New York Times waded in with a story about female empowerment killing romance.
Now, as more women match or overtake men in education and the labor market, they are also turning traditional gender roles on their head, with some profound consequences for relationship dynamics.
It identifies three types of scenarios that play out for ambitious chicks
1. successful women in their 30s who have trouble finding a mate.
2. the alpha-women who end up with alpha-men but then decide to put career second when the babies come.
3. there is also a third group: a small but growing number of women who out-earn their partners, giving rise to an assortment of behavioral contortions aimed at keeping the appearance of traditional gender roles intact.
As much as I can’t stand these types of generalising stories that express a bafflement that things change when, um, we change things, it’s certainly been my experience. (Oh, and I HATE how this gender disconnect is blamed on female empowerment…!!! Isn’t it just because the world is shifting that romance has changed?).
I agree that while women now fight in wars and sit on boards, when it comes to relationships we revert to old-school roles. Women are still attracted to men who look/act like providers – so they go after men with money. Men still like women who can be good child bearers – so they like chicks with boobs and happy to stay at home (read: not so big career plans).
And men do tend to find fierce ambition in a woman unattractive. There I said it. It’s true. If it’s straight ambition, without any room for vulnerability… room for them…they run. And I say this as someone who pushes 99% of men away inadvertently. Over time I’ve worked out that men balk from smart chicks in part cos it all seems too hard. Being with a smart woman demands a man rise to the occasion.
But it’s also because it leaves little room for the man to be masculine. To be in his masculine role and feel himself.