sweetest surrender

I’ve struggled a bit  to write this post. You know, with whether to share or not. But since gaps will soon appear, and I disclose a bit about the trajectory of my life on a pretty over-sharey and consistent basis, I kinda have to. Just to not appear gappy, I guess.

zen sweetest surrender

I’m also feeling a little ashamed. Shame, hey. It’s the most alien of emotions. Most of our personalities are in fact the cruddy layers with which we mask our shame. Unmasking is to get naked and squirm in the breeze. To be without our fun! brash! personalities. To be just plain, old ordinary us.

You see: I bang on virtuously about all the healthy stuff that I do. Noticed?  I’ve also shared that I’m writing a book. And in the past few weeks, both have come a little undone. My health has taken a nosedive. My thyroid has arked up again – it’s tired of the pushing. And, as always, it’s done so because I needed to be told. And so my book has had to be put on hold while I stop, recalibrate, listen. And begin the slow process of going back to me.

Which feels shameful. And a lot like failure. When I let it be seen that way.

I’ve done this many times before. I know what to do now. Hey, I bang on about it on this blog all the time!! Much of the decision to stop and recalibrate is about me “being my message” and not just preaching it. And actually living the only life I will ever want to live.

The truly wonderful thing in all this is that this (temporary) unraveling has, as always, reminded me of what this life I want looks and smells like. Being unwell does this. It pulls into sharp view the vulnerability of life. We could go any time. So, FUCK IT, let’s get real and raw and shed the layers!! Cut to it, Sarah!! Live it…CRUDLESS!!

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